This man and his family attacked me and my family. My daughter needed me, her mother, to co-sign for her. This is my right as a Canadian woman in 2018. I should have the freedom to help the flesh of my flesh.
I come from a bad background. I grew up white trash. This seems to have given my husband and his family the right to be cruel to me and my children. God, they’ve been hard on us. If I ask for anything for myself and my kids it becomes a huge fight. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for my right to be a woman, a mother, and now a grandmother.
I am an addict. I am an adult child of alcoholism and dysfunction. So I have issues, lots of issues. I see mental health regularly to be sure I am on track however. I am open and honest about my flaws and get help for them. It is well documented. I have accessed these services many times during my life here, for 10 and 1/2 years. I am legally prescribed medical marijuana. I have tried countless pharmaceuticals over my adult life, but they always react adversely with my chemistry. I feel like they bring up the trauma and pain for me to work through, but without the correct therapy, the trauma and pain are coming up in what appears to my husband and his family as an aggressive manner. But aren’t I allowed any rights as a woman, mother, and grandmother in my country of Canada? It shouldn’t be such a fight for me to help or see my family! My needs are important also, aren’t they?
I am emotional. I talk too loud, talk too fast, use sarcasm, and my words become weapons. Does this mean I deserve punches to the face or head? The kinds of punches that leave bumps and bruises? (I took pictures from the incident in August 2017 but those are the only ones I have.) What about strangling me? Is that allowed? What country am I in? A middle eastern one or one that allows the mistreatment of women? No, I am a Canadian woman. Why is this happening here? Still?
This happens to me because I desire to be a mother. I miss my kids. I mistakenly moved here with Bruce Gibb, my now husband, when he found me homeless. I was homeless. This was my own fault. I purposely sought out sin for a time in my adult life. I was a shameful mother. I did wrong. I lost everything. Absolutely everything. My children, my home, my car, my career, our belongings. Everything. I began to work on getting out of the sin cesspool I put myself in. Started to try to live right again. This is what I was when Bruce met me. The perfect victim. PERFECT. VICTIM. We began the dance, the dance I was so familiar with. The only one I ever knew. How could I know different? Who was there to teach me? I grew up moving constantly. Like virtually every year. We lived in isolated farm yards. My memories are beginning to return as to what actually happened in all those isolated farm yards. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
The domestic violence dance began with Bruce and I. Our poor children. All six of them. This was not their fault yet they were made to feel as if it all was. That was so wrong. I will be making amends for a long while yet. It’s been ten and a half years of this. When all I want is to be with a family again. I am so alone here. There is no one on my team here. No one. Or that was until AA discovered me. Now I have people who care in my local area. (Thank you Higher Power!)
I always had a sense of morality. It was in my mind, but didn’t come out in my actions while I was using alcohol. My 12 step recovery programs (AA & ACA) are teaching me right from wrong. So now, I am learning to sincerely apologize for my atrocious behavior. I can differentiate between shame and guilt now. When those feelings were all mixed up, I had this chip. All that evil done to me all my life? All the rapes? All the beatings? Why, I shouldn’t have to say sorry! Well, was I EVER WRONG!!!!! And thank you, 12 steps, for now I know when I am doing wrong. I can say sorry and mean it. I can ask my Higher Power to remove those character defects from me. We can begin working on changing me, the only person I can change. I love that. It’s hard to have to look at my faults so intensely. I keep getting reminded by my fellow travelers in my program, that I am to be more gentle with myself. I am working on that. It’s been good to process all the wrong done to me, while I was an innocent child who should have been protected and loved by a family. I did the math once, and when I was calculating the approximate times I experienced violence, I got up to 10,000. It’s more than that now. I have 10,000 broken soul fragments. Each fragment needs to be picked up, tenderly taken care of, and re-attached to my soul. I see my future self as a soul like a glittery mosaic glitter ball. All put back together. Far more beautiful than how she could have been before all the trauma. I dream of this someday.
I am an adult child, I was doomed to repeat the family patterns until I found recovery. Thank you, Higher Power, for the 12 Steps. The meetings, the Steps, the communication, the literature… This is all becoming a wonderful education for me. I didn’t know how to live before. I still don’t. But I am learning. I am grateful.
Will I go through a domestic violence program at a women’s shelter to get me into a violent free home? I really want to learn how to do this. Like so bad. I want to pass this down to my kids. I passed them so much dysfunction. Now I pray that I may pass them the right information on how to live.
Please pray for me. Or think beautiful thoughts of love and light for me. However you communicate with the Spiritual side of life. I could really use some support right now. Namaste and Higher Power blessings to All. xoxo