Conditional Love

Conditional Love does not equal Real Love

Conditional Love != Real Love

I was only loved by you conditionally. I had to forget my family. I had to turn my children away. I had to serve you and you alone. Then, I received little bits of something I labelled as love.

The moment I desired to be part of a family with my beloved children, you turned into a violent monster. Screaming, raging, name-calling, destroying our souls. What kind of monster are you? You don’t love me. You never did. I was so sick before I couldn’t see this truth, but now I do.

When we met, I believed you were the One! In my severe codependency, I actually believed you loved me. I believed you cared about my well-being. For my peace of mind, I required a family. I required that the damage done between my children and I be repaired. Not left to simmer, get infected, become poison. You wouldn’t allow me to heal the deepest wound a woman can have. The shattered bond between mama and child.

This makes me feel so sad. My friendship was absolutely betrayed. Just like the friendships of the past. You played the role so well. You became a monster like my father. A man who desired his wife to hate her children. So sick. So very sick. You cruelly broke my heart.

Though I heard the cruel words and felt the cruel blows, I didn’t believe you hated us. I mistakenly believed you loved me, and my dear family. That day in the truck when the evil you spewed rolled off your tongue so freely made me realize just how much you hate me. This is not love. Not ever.

Why am I choosing relationships with men who are capable of child abuse? Oh God, remove this character defect from me, I humbly pray. That in the future, if anyone becomes close to me again, help me practice discernment and only allow healthy and whole people in my world. Someone actively living a life of Recovery, working the Steps, reading the Literature, reaching out to others. This is the type of being I wish to attract into my world.

 

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