Coping with the trauma from a PTSD memory of gang rape
“Oh God!” I cried repeatedly. I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. I thought my heart would fail. I thought my throat would disintegrate.
This is what I woke up to Sunday morning. Like Creed sings, “♫I should have been dead on a Sunday morning…♫”
I mean, like I know I never should have touched the drink. I know that now. I didn’t have anyone to teach me this. I was raised in an abusive environment where all I learned was how to fuck, fight, and drink. I didn’t know. I am so grateful to be in 12 step recovery programs now. The drink is gone. Fornication is gone. I am free from these great sins.
But how do I heal from this pain? On Sunday I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. All the times in the past where I was being abused or raped all throughout this depressing life, I couldn’t scream. On Sunday I could. And I did.
But now what? How do we package these memories? What do we do with these awful horrendous memories?
I was 16 or 17. Sometime in the late 80’s. Probably 88 or 89. I don’t know for certain. It’s all hazy. I’m getting piece by piece. The taste of a Caesar drink always triggered an “I want to vomit” response in me. Caesars with vodka are what they served me. They bathed me in his mother’s tub. They took turns with me in his parent’s fancy home. The Daines Rodeo Ranch at Innisfail. The Daines family did this to me in my youth. They are rich and I am not. No one ever cared about me then or now. But I am learning to reparent myself. So now I care. I love me. I care about me. Justice is supposed to be done for my God loves justice, mercy, and those who walk humbly.
Micah 6:8 King James Version (KJV)
8 He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
King James Version (KJV)
So I don’t yet know what to do with this memory. I have no idea. I hurt and I hurt bad. I am exercising on a rebounder to work this evil out of my lymph nodes. Purifying my beloved body because I love my body. I love me. I will do as my Lord commands and pray for these enemies. I will ask the Lord to bless them with abundant blessings. I am willing to receive forgiveness. I am willing to forgive. God, help me forgive.